


All the Uchiha are WHAT? (crackfic)

by Anonymous



Category: Naruto
Genre: And everybody says all their beef out loud, Crack, Did not fact-check a lot of this so check the comments for discourse mwaha, Gen, Im no Nart lore expert especially with Tobirama and good ol Danzo, Look to the comments for the truth !!, Oh you guys I'm so sorry, So a lot of this was lazy assumptions, The timeline makes no sense, This is a chaotic dumpster fire of a fic, Tobirama is a complete caricature, What happens when all the Hokages meet all the remaining Uchihas, Wow what is this I am so sorry, and some of it is just plain wrong, crackfic, don't hate me haha, just go with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25887616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “Hey!” Sasuke yells. “Did you know the entire Uchiha clan is dead?”Madara stops mid-cackle. “What did you just say?”“You heard me, loser,” Sasuke shouts. “The village leaders told my older brother that killing the Clan was the only way to protect the village. So they’re all gone.”“What? The whole clan?Whodid this? You’re lying.”“Nope. It’s true.”“Come, closer,” Madara yells across the distance that separates them, “I can’t hear you.”Sasuke walks over to him. “I said, it’s true.ThatMadara told me,” he says pointing a finger at the masked man.
Relationships: Namikaze Minato & Uchiha Obito, Senju Hashirama & Tsunade, Senju Hashirama & Uchiha Madara, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Obito, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Sasuke
Comments: 22
Kudos: 201
Collections: Anonymous





	All the Uchiha are WHAT? (crackfic)

**Author's Note:**

> AU where the Hokages are somehow reanimated at the same time as the Akatsuki, and they meet all the remaining Uchihas, including Itachi. (Trust me, I know the timing makes no sense, let’s just go with it.)
> 
> Sasuke makes the Hokages apologize. Itachi and Obito hate each other for some reason.
> 
> Please enjoy this terrible chaotic trash fire of a fic. Sorry if I slander your fave.
> 
> EDIT: See the comments for some hot discourse ;)  
> EDIT: I will be turning off comments and sending this to Anonymous soon, so get in on the fun while you can  
> EDIT: Ayy thank you everyone for such fun discussions today! Peace!!  
> EDIT: Check the tags where I admit my Naruto lore ignorance XD The lovely people in the comments are the experts!

“Hey!” Sasuke yells to the new Madara—the one with long, black hair and dual Rinnegan eyes who is laughing maniacally. Sasuke is about to break some bad news.

“Did you know the entire Uchiha clan is dead?”

Sasuke had just come back from meeting all the Hokages, newly reanimated from Orochimaru’s reversal of the Reaper Death Seal. (How Orochimaru was able to regrow himself without Kabuto, who is still fighting with Itachi at the moment, Sasuke has no idea. Frankly, he doesn’t care.)

He’d sat through the First Hokage’s sappy origin story, where he'd learned that this Second Madara is in fact the _real_ Madara, and that they’d been childhood friends or something. And, in his quest to hate the village less, Sasuke had told them the truth about his brother, Itachi, and asked for their input. 

The First Hokage seemed genuinely horrified at the idea of the village he’d created forcing a thirteen-year-old to slaughter his family. (Sasuke had ignored the Second, Third, and Fourth Hokages, though he remembers thinking vaguely that it was weird to be in the same room as Naruto’s dad.)

According to Hashirama Senju, because Madara has also been dead for years, he, too, does not know about the Uchiha Massacre. It gave Sasuke an idea: if Madara cares at all that his entire posterity was wiped out, the fact might throw him off enough for them to gain the upper hand against him. 

He doesn’t expect it to work _so well._

Madara stops mid-cackle. “What did you just say?”

“You heard me, loser,” Sasuke shouts. “The village leaders told my older brother that killing the clan was the only way to protect the village. So they’re all gone.”

“What? The whole clan? The whole clan is dead? _Who_ did this? You’re lying.” 

“Nope. It’s true.”

“Come, closer,” Madara yells across the distance that separates them, “I can’t hear you.”

Sasuke walks over to him. “I said, it’s true. _That_ Madara told me.” 

Sasuke points at First Madara—the one whose face is obscured behind a white mask with black stripes that covers his entire head—who is standing a ways off. He looks over, confused.

“That’s not Madara,” the real Madara corrects, glancing in First Madara’s direction, but shakes his head as if reminding himself that it’s not important. “But, wait—the whole clan, dead? How did this happen? Hey, Hashirama!” 

Hashirama and Tsunade are too busy hugging each other and squealing about how much they have missed each other to hear Madara. (“You’re so big, Tsuna! I can’t believe how grown up you are!” “You look so young, Grandpa!” “So do you, actually, what the heck…? Aren’t you, like, fifty by now?”)

“Hashirama!” he shouts again.

The First Hokage looks up with a cute smile. “What is it, Madara?”

“Did you know that the entire Uchiha clan is dead?”

“I know, I just learned,” Hashirama calls back, sadly.

Tobirama smiles evilly in the background.

“Grandpa?” Tsunade says, incredulously. “You know Madara Uchiha?”

“Of course!” Hashirama grins. “We are best friends!”

 _“Huh?”_ Tsunade looks wildly between the two.

“No, we are not,” Madara assures her, and folds his arms.

“Yes we are!” Hashirama says, with puppy-eyes.

“Then why did you stab me in the back?” Madara accuses. “And don’t make that face, it looks stupid.”

Hashirama puts a finger to his chin in contemplation. “Bad writing, maybe? There really was a disconnect between my core values and a lot of my actions.”

Madara grumbles something incoherent, and Tsunade looks like she’s in shock. Madara turns his attention back to Sasuke. 

“You said your brother killed all the Uchihas?” He puts his fan away and straightens his armor, and Sasuke nods. “Come on, Hashirama,” Madara yells. “We are going to go find this guy’s brother! Where is he? I’ve got some questions.”

“Well, he’s dead,” Sasuke says, “but you’re in luck because he’s Reanimated, at the moment. He's fighting Kabuto trying to undo the Edo Tensei jutsu on the Akatsuki.” 

“Who is Kabuto?” Madara says, at the same time that Tsunade says, “Can I come, too?”

Hashirama beams. “Of course, you can, darling.”

“Uh, yeah,” Sasuke says, “you are _all_ coming.” He gestures to the rest of the Edo Tensei Hokage, who suddenly look uncomfortable. “You are all going to look Itachi in the eye and apologize for creating and participating in a government that forced a child to kill his family.”

“HEY!” Madara bellows to the battlefield, waving his arms. “Everyone stop fighting until we get back!”

Naruto and Sakura exchange glances in the distance and then give Sasuke confused thumbs-ups. 

“And you—” Madara points at the masked man. “—you’re coming, too.”

Sasuke takes the Hokage and the two Uchihas to the cave where Itachi has been holding off Kabuto. They’re peeking around a wall, stacked on top of each other to get a good view of the action. 

“Alright,” Sasuke says, and points to Itachi. “That’s him, right there. Not the snake guy, that's Kabuto,” he adds before anyone can ask. “But we have to wait, because I have a feeling Itachi is about to say something really cool.”

(While they wait, Sasuke, who is on top of a Reanimated Minato Namikaze, looks down and says, “So you’re Naruto’s dad.”

“Yep!” Minato whispers cheerfully. “Pleasure to meet you, Sasuke. Thank you for being friends with my son.”

“I’ve tried to kill him many times, but you’re welcome.”

There’s an awkward pause, and then Sasuke says, “So, did you know my dad?”

“Sure did,” Minato says. “He kinda scared me a bit, but we were friends, I think.”

“Cool.”

“I held you as a baby, you know,” Minato says. “Can’t believe you’re so big now.”

“That’s weird.”)

“Give up now, Kabuto,” Itachi says. “I am in complete control of your fate at this point. Also it’s pretty creepy that you’re so obsessed with Orochimaru. You could stand to chill out a little bit.”

“You’re no match for me, Itachi Uchiha,” Kabuto says, grinning and flashing his forked tongue. “This jutsu can only be undone by me. It has no weaknesses.”

Tobirama, who is above Sasuke, grunts, “Of course, it has no weaknesses. I invented it.”

“Sorry, Kabuto,” Itachi responds. “Every jutsu has a weakness.” He strikes a pose and flicks his robe behind him. “And this jutsu’s weakness… _is my existence.”_

“So cool,” Sasuke whispers, holding back tears.

Tobirama is shaking above him. _“Uchihas...................”_

“Alright,” Madara admits, “that was pretty cool. Can we talk to him now?” He tries to wiggle out from underneath Hiruzen and Hashirama and shouts, “Hey!”

Hashirama hisses, “Madara, _wait!”_

Madara, who cannot wait, reveals himself from behind the wall, and the tower of people falls, Hokage and Uchiha tumbling into Itachi's view.

“You!” Madara points an accusing finger at Itachi. “Why did you kill the entire Uchiha Clan?”

“Who are you?” Itachi asks.

“...Madara Uchiha?”

“I thought he was Madara Uchiha.” Itachi points at the masked man.

The man in the mask sighs, and uses a kunai to crack open his face covering, which falls and clatters to the ground.

Minato gasps. _“Obito?!_ Is that you?”

Obito sneers. “Hello, Sensei.” 

“Oh, wow,” Sasuke says, raising his eyebrows.

“Wait, Obito?” Itachi doesn't blink. “Didn't you used to babysit me?”

Obito rolls his eyes and winces. “Yes.”

Itachi whispers, with a dazed look, “My Akatsuki boss was my babysitter this whole time?”

“Obito,” Madara says, suddenly concerned. “That was kind of a cool mask, why did you break it?”

“For the drama, of course,” Obito responds. “Also the shape of it makes it a pain to get off without breaking it. I had to build this one around my head.”

Madara stares. “What the hell.”

“Plus I have spare ones,” Obito says. “I got pretty good at ceramics in that cave. I was _planning_ on letting this one break on the battlefield so I could dramatically reveal my identity to Kakashi, so I’ll have to go _all the way back_ to the base to get a new one if I still want to do that, but it’s fine.” He folds his arms, looking annoyed.

“The orange one looked cooler,” Itachi says.

“Shut up, Itachi.”

“Hey, I just thought of something,” Itachi says suddenly, frowning. “Does Deidara even know you’re not Tobi?”

Obito covers his face with his hands. “Oh, gosh. I can’t see that kid again,” he groans. “It would be so embarrassing. He cannot know what I actually look like.”

Madara waves his hand and tries to get everyone back on track. “Itachi! Is that your name? Why did you murder all the Uchihas?”

Itachi says evenly, “I thought it was the correct choice at the time. I realize now that it may have been a mistake.”

“May have been a _mistake?!”_

Itachi’s frown deepens. “I was like, thirteen. Also, he helped me.” He points at Obito.

Madara shouts in Obito's face, “WHAT?!”

Obito puts his hands up and glares at Itachi, as if to say, _What is wrong with you?_

“Take it easy, Madara,” Hashirama says. “Itachi was ordered to do it by the Hokage at the time, it was part of his mission. Isn’t that right, Itachi?”

“What? How do you know this?” Madara demands.

Hashirama innocently points to Sasuke, who points to Obito, who shrugs under Madara's glare.

“Dude, I already told you that,” Sasuke says to Madara.

“You were far away! I already said I couldn’t hear you!”

“Well,” Sasuke says. “You all are lucky that Itachi is still loyal to the village. I straight-up hate Konoha right now.”

“Wait,” Hashirama says, “why do you hate Konoha?”

“Did you listen to anything I said earlier?” Sasuke snaps. “Maybe because you guys made it into a place where kid soldiers are raised to kill each other?”

Somewhere in the distance a loud gong sounds, and a dark cloud appears over Hashirama’s head. “That's exactly what we didn't want............”

Madara sighs, and then confirms with Itachi, “So you didn't _want_ to do it?”

“Not at all,” he says flatly. “Not even a little bit. Obviously,” he adds, shaking his head.

“Well…” Madara says, looking between Hiruzen, Minato, and Tsunade, who have been awfully quiet this entire time. “Which one of you made this kid feel like _killing his entire clan_ was his only option?”

“Hey, Sarutobi,” Sasuke calls, with hands cupped around his mouth to amplify his voice.

All heads turn to Hiruzen.

“Screw you,” Sasuke says. “Also, why didn't you let Naruto have any friends?”

Minato turns to Hiruzen, and says, “You didn’t let Naruto have any friends?”

Madara looks to Tobirama, and roars, _“Your student?!”_

“To be fair,” Hiruzen defends, “it was mostly Danzo's fault!”

_“Your OTHER student?!”_

Tobirama glowers at a fuming Madara before simply turning his head in the other direction.

“That is pretty bad, Sensei,” Tsunade chimes in, and Hiruzen folds his arms.

“Oh, are we roasting Hokages now?” Obito says. “Minato-sensei!” 

Minato freezes, then waves when everyone looks at him.

“How come you didn't come look for my body after I got crushed by that rock?”

“Uhh,” Minato flounders. “Because Kishi wrote me as a psychopath who doesn't feel human emotion? I’m sorry.”

Obito sighs and massages his temples. “It’s okay.”

“Why did you try to kill me and Kushina and steal our newborn baby?” Minato says.

Obito pouts. “I was mad at you... sorry.”

Minato smiles pleasantly. “It's okay!”

“That's pretty messed up, Obito,” Itachi says.

Obito looks Itachi directly in the eyes. “I hate you so much.”

Madara, who is still upset about all of his descendants being murdered, growls, “This is _your_ fault Tobirama. If you hadn't been so _racist_ and pushed the Uchiha _out of the village,_ none of this would have happened!”

Tobirama throws up his hands. “What was I supposed to do?”

Sasuke, Itachi, Obito, and Madara say in unison, “Literally anything else.”

Itachi sighs, suddenly in a rare mood of melancholy, and says, “I miss Shisui.”

“Who the hell is Shisui?” Madara says.

“Hey, Kabuto,” Itachi says, and Kabuto jumps.

“Holy crap, Kabuto,” Sasuke says. “I forgot you were here.”

Kabuto scowls. “Hi.”

“How come you didn't reanimate my best friend Shisui?” Itachi says. “It would not have been that hard to find his DNA. His hair got on literally everything he owned.”

Hashirama, Tobirama, and Hiruzen all nod solemnly. "The curly Kagami gene."

Madara shrieks, "The _what?"_

Kabuto looks around, and shrugs. “I don’t know," he says, in answer to Itachi. "Weren't you the strongest Uchiha?”

“No,” Itachi says. “Not at all. Shisui was much better than me. Right, Sasuke?”

“Yes,” Sasuke agrees. “Much, much, much, much better.”

Itachi looks hurt. “Hey.”

"Sorry, I'm still kind of mad at you."

“Uh… sorry?” Kabuto says.

“You should be,” Itachi says. “I miss him so much.”

Kabuto, looking uncomfortable now, says, “You guys clearly have some issues, so I’m just going to go for now. We can fight later.”

“Okay, cool,” Sasuke says. “Oh, Orochimaru is back.”

“Seriously?” Kabuto says. “How did—nevermind. Where is he?”

“Back at the hideout with team Taka.”

“What happened to team Hebi?” Kabuto asks.

“Same team,” Sasuke says. “Changed the name.”

“Oh, nice,” Kabuto says. “Okay, I guess I’ll see you there.”

“You're undoing this jutsu when we get back,” Itachi says.

“Right, whatever.”

“But not before Deidara meets Obito,” Itachi adds, and Obito smacks his forehead.

 _“Okay,”_ Kabuto says. “Sheesh. See you.”

“See you,” Sasuke says.

After a bit of weird silence, Sasuke, claps and rubs his hands together. 

“Alright, Hokages,” he says. “On the count of three you are all going to apologize to Itachi.”

“Even me?” Tsunade says. “I didn't even know about any of this.”

“I don't care,” Sasuke says. “Do whatever you want. The rest of you—on three. One, two, _three.”_

A sheepish chorus echoes through the cave: "Sorry, Itachi."

“Lord Second,” Sasuke says. “I did not see your mouth move.”

Tobirama, rolls his eyes and utters the most miniscule, "Sorry, Itachi."

“It's okay,” Itachi says with a smile.

“Good.” Sasuke looks around. “So are we going to overthrow the government now? Because it would be super lame to have this whole series build up to realizing how corrupt our government is only to accept that corruption in the end.”

All look at each other and shrug, nodding.

“Great,” he says. “Also, Lady Tsunade. It would be really terrible if my depressed sensei who can barely get out of bed in the morning was forced to become the next Hokage after all of this is over, so no one better get any ideas.” 

“Oh, yeah,” Minato interjects, “Kakashi is seriously depressed. Obito, if you fight him later please be nice to him, and whatever you do, don't let him stab a chidori through your chest with his bare hand, because he will probably have a panic attack.”

Obito closes his eyes, and says, “Whatever.”

“Noted,” Tsunade says.

“Are we good?” Sasuke confirms with Madara, making sure he’s on board with abandoning his genjutsu dreamworld plan.

Madara mumbles, “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Alright, great,” Sasuke says. “Let’s go get Deidara first, because I know Itachi will not shut up about it until we find him. Then we fight Kabuto. Then we fight the government. Then if any of the rest of you still have issues, you can fight each other. I will definitely be fighting Naruto later.” 

Hashirama gives an enthusiastic thumbs up, and says, “Let’s hope no aliens come out of nowhere and try to suck us into another dimension!”

Madara scoffs and says, “Shut up, Hashirama, that is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That would literally never happen.”

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Lol. If you got this far, thank you.
> 
> Some links that inspired parts of this:  
> \- [This comic](https://ancharan.tumblr.com/post/625160800874676224/random-thought-for-the-day-madara-from-the-time) about Madara finding out about the massacre  
> \- [This post](https://quilfish-swan.tumblr.com/post/625025492086652928/if-you-could-rewrite-madara-and-hashirama-adding) about Hashirama, Madara, and Itachi's lame motives  
> \- [This really great fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23748199) where it mentions that Obito used to babysit Itachi  
> \- [This analysis](https://lazuliblur.tumblr.com/post/187303376954/does-your-interpretation-of-minato-truly-love) about Minato being an actual psychopath  
> \- [This post](https://www.surfacage.net/post/139462034614/so-what-if-sasuke-let-his-grow-not-like-in) which I think is the origin of the Kagami curly hair gene joke


End file.
